Pretend You’re Going for the Academy Awards

As dementia-related diseases progress, the patient’s loved ones may receive different identities to them. The patient may change their names multiple times in a single day.

It was like trying to hold onto a handful of water, the way their identity slipped through your fingers. But like a deep ocean, their love and connection for you remain hidden below the surface, waiting to be rediscovered. And in the face of such hardships, even the tiniest bit of comfort has immense value. We have to realize that the synapses in their brains are not firing like ours, preventing cells from communicating correctly.

There may be moments when your significant other suddenly remembers who you truly are, but these occurrences will become less and less frequent. In those moments, you may notice a deep sadness in their expression as they realize that you were never truly who they thought you were. There is a profound sorrow when he or she may feel that they misplaced you.

It’s important to realize that these people are not to blame. Embrace the role you have been assigned and take on a new identity. It usually begins with you becoming a close family member, such as a brother, sister, uncle, aunt, or even tracing back to distant relatives from the past. Eventually, you will take on yet another role. The names chosen for you seem to be pulled at random from a collection of old memories.

My father most often believed I was his dad during the last two years of his life. I learned to make this work to my advantage. He definitely listened to me with deeper respect. I will say this is one of the hardest struggles I dealt with. However, one day it all came together for me. Sitting at the kitchen table one morning, he asked me, “Dad, do I have to take all these pills?” and I sternly responded, “Son, if you don’t take your pills, I’m going to tell your Mother!” Suddenly, I realized that I actually had some power; by playing the role of Dad, the man would listen to me. I could have used this 60-plus years ago. I had become his dad 90 percent of the time, and Gary the other ten. I highly recommend that you just hold on to that ten percent when it is there.

Stay flexible. When these situations arise, caregiving can become even more challenging, but by going along with the current situation, you can help ease some of the stress and provide comfort. It’s important to be able to adapt quickly in these moments. My father would look at my mother and say, “Mom.” She insisted he was doing this on purpose. He was just seeing a grey-haired woman who may have looked familiar and believed it was his mother.

Remember, you cannot force them into your world; you’ll have to enter theirs.

Gary Joseph LeBlanc. CDCS

Education Director

Dementia Spotlight Foundation